Financial condition of GospelFriendships.

Financial condition of GospelFriendships.  I’m currently in deficit by $9k and I’m guessing by year end it will be from $10-15k.   🙂

I need a ministry fix.

My ministry addiction is clearer to me than ever.  Why?  Because folks have been praying.  Why is my addiction always eager for a fresh, quick fix?  Why can’t I seem to get enough?  Always need more?  Because I’m convinced there has been a deep hole in my soul, making my flesh inordinately hungry-needy to prove myself worthy, to myself, to others.

A ministry fix provides me with some r-e-l-i-e-f from what I strongly suspect is suppressed pain of feeling like a loser, since childhood.  I’m shocked.  But what else would explain my workaholism, intensity, my obsessiveness about ministry, my what-I-suspect-is-suppressed terror of experiencing failure in ministry, or of being considered lazy, unproductive, inefficient, worthless, by others or by myself?  Drivenness.  Not a human being, but a human doing.  Always hurried.

What I unconsciously think I need is another ministry fix.  Ahhh.  Feels so good to prooove myself worthy.  Problem is, the fix doesn’t last long.  And so the addiction doesn’t lead me to happiness, but to more addiction, living inside a prison of addiction, except for the momentary relief I get with a fresh fix.  Terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad way to be trapped.  Addict.  Stressful, exhausting, joyless, peaceless, unless things go my way, momentarily, and even then the success just reinforces my addiction, insanity, independence.

Jesus came to reverse the effects of The Curse in the lives of believers, especially those of us who carry unrecognized holes in our souls from childhood.  And Jesus has been bringing healing to the wound on my soul, and the peace I am experiencing is indescribably delicious.  It is so much easier to fix my eyes and thoughts on Jesus as my idols are more exposed, are slowly disempowered, slowly wilting.  I now see that no amount of ministry success could ever fill the deep hole in my soul.  I’ve been trying since 1984 when I went through Sonship, to become whole/healthy, by soaking in the Gospel of Jesus and His unconditional love for me, and I have desperately needed the growing grace foundation in my life, to even be able to look inside in 2012 and see the hole, and now Jesus is leading me through a healing process for this wound, this gaping hole in my soul, to amazing Jesus-dependency.

— DumbSheepDave, indescribably thankful for those who’ve prayed

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I’m thankful this year,

for people I used to despise: my enemies — theologically, politically, and militarily.  And myself, just as I am, even when I do stupid things, even when I’m an ingrate for all I have in Jesus.  I’m thankful that DaddyJesusSpirit is both loving and sovereign over all, has had a perfect plan from before the beginning of time, and is in the process of implementing that perfect plan.  And this enables me to be thankful for everything, just as it is, including me, just as I am, because we’re all part of His process, and the final chapters of the story, have yet to be written.

–DumbSheepDave, having the best year of his life, because folks have been praying

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I’m always obsessed with my own performance

and appearance, when I’m indifferent to Jesus.  Same response the Pharisees had to Jesus.  PhariseeDave, outwardly appearing strong, together, worthy, to others.  And to self.  Blind to what’s going on inside.  But PhariseeDave is becoming more and more aware that his worthiness-addiction has been inordinately fueled by suppressed childhood feelings of worthlessness, causing a lifetime of always proving himself worthy to himself and others, dissatisfied with the imputed worthiness of Jesus.

The yoke of worthiness-addiction is oppressive, exhausting, while the yoke of Jesus is delightfully easy, makes living in this Cursed world, surprisingly easy.  No wonder I’ve found it so difficult to function as a Jesus-dependent in the 46 years I’ve been a believer, and even in the last 28 years of being a grace-junkie.  And no wonder pre-believers have been bored by the Jesus in Dave, the Dave who has been as circumstance-dependent for his joy and peace as any other human.

–DumbSheepDave, more than ever, enjoying Jesus, others, himself, circumstances, just as they are, because folks have been praying

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When I’m indifferent to Jesus,

I never feel like a sinner.  But I’m clear-sighted about sin in others.   However when I’m freshly convicted of my sin, see myself as a sinner, Jesus is a huge deal in my life.  Shepherd.  Lord.  Nothing else hardly matters.

Jesus has almost nothing to offer non-sinners.  Just a model of a perfect, loving human, but so what?  The nicest, sweetest, kindest thing He ever does for me, is to freshly convict me of my sin, so I’m freshly enjoying Him, others, self, circumstances, just as they are.  Even nonbelievers with opposite values.  Even enemies.  Wow.

–DumbSheepDave, having the time of his life, because folks have been praying

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I don’t enjoy Jesus,

 

I don’t enjoy Jesus,

just as He is, when He thwarts my plans/agenda for an easy, trouble-free life.  I enjoy Jesus when He gives me what I want, blesses my agenda.

And when I don’t enjoy Jesus, just as He is, I don’t enjoy others, just as they are, myself, just as I am, my circumstances just as they are.  And the pre-believers around me notice that I’m just like them, that Jesus makes no difference in my life.

–JudgeDave, who knows what’s best for himself and others, but lately has more moments of sanity/dependency as DumbSheepDave, because folks have been praying

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Jesus commands us to love everyone,

even our enemies.  Gulp.  That means enjoy everyone, just as they are.  Gulp.  Satan wants us to feel superior to others, especially our enemies, and the disgusting.  Satan wants us critical-judgmental, feeling superior.  Proud.  Gulp.

A humble believer loves/accepts/enjoys everyone, just as they are, even political opponents.  Gulp.

–ProudDave, taking baby steps in more-loving directions, because folks have been praying, hoping pre-believers notice and experience the love of Jesus in a HumbleDave

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Why do I want fresh faith?

Or more faith, or more obedience, or to be different?  Part of my motivation for being different, better, is for the glory of Jesus.   But what about the dark side — the sinful side, of my motivation?   I wanna feel gooood about myself, and I’m tired of feeling lousy about myself, a failure at following Jesus.  I want to do better so I can feeeel better.  The imputed righteousness of Jesus is unsatisfying to me: I want something more.

Satan doesn’t want me to see the pride involved, in my having such a noble desire to be more like Jesus.   I cannot confess what I do not see.  I need the convicting work of Jesus’ Spirit to freshly experience the peace that passes understanding, so I have something pre-believers want.  A humble believer is content with where he is, who he is, how he is, because Jesus is enough for him, for today, and he has surrendered the timetable for any change, to Jesus.  Ahhh.  A proud believer wants something more.

–DumbSheepDave, surprisingly and amazingly thankful right now, for everything just as it is, and thankful for those who have prayed for him

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How do I get fresh faith?

Is faith like a muscle I exercise, so I get credit for something I initiated/generated?   No, faith is something granted by God.  Jack Miller once told Rose Marie that the starting place for faith, is conviction of sin.   When I first heard that back in the 80’s, on a recording of Rose Marie teaching women in her home from Romans, I was amazed, and that understanding has profoundly helped me ever since.

The starting place for fresh faith, is fresh conviction of sin.  I cannot convict myself of my sin, cannot make myself believe/repent, but what I can do, is ask for the Spirit afresh, to come and convict me of my sin, so my eyes are freshly opened to seeing the awful truth about myself, that I’m much worse than I ever imagined, so I can CONFESS my sin, and feel like the town sinner in Luke 7 who loved much because she had a sense of having been forgiven much: loved Jesus much, loved others much, even enemies.  Wow.

When I’m bummed by my sin, that’s not humility, but pride.  Satan doesn’t want me CONFESSing my sin, doesn’t want me feeling completely forgiven, wants me full of self-contempt, wants me trying harder to do better next time.  CONFESS is anathema to Satan.  And to my flesh.   ProudDave strives to fix himself.  HumbleDave enjoys himself just as he is, just as Jesus enjoys him, and he enjoys others, just as they are, even his enemies.  Wow.

–ProudDave, needing prayer for fresh conviction of the sin of pride, so he’s momentarily HumbleDave, experiencing the ecstasy/life compelling to pre-believers (please pray now)

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